Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”

“I wish you’d keep my hands to yourself.”

“Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.”

“Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?”

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

“She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.”

“Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.”

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

“You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I’ll bet he was glad to get rid of it.”

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”

“Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.”

“Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.”

“She’s afraid that if she leaves, she’ll become the life of the party.”

“Although it is generally known, I think it’s about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.”

“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”

“I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.”

“Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!”

“Say! You haven’t stopped talking since we got here! You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle!”

“I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.”

“From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.”

“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”

“A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.”

“Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.”

“I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I’d rather dance with the cows until you come home.”

“I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.”

“If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.”

“He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”

“Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.”

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